


I’ve been (going through the motions)

by FrostyGalaxies



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: ALSO GOAT HYBRID TUBBO, And Tubbo is there to let him, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Please let them go to therapy I think they need it, Sleepless night, he is tired ur honor, ranboo needs to open up more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 19:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30060456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostyGalaxies/pseuds/FrostyGalaxies
Summary: The silence that followed was palpable. Ranboo didn’t meet Tubbo’s gaze as the goat hybrid blinked blankly back at him. Ok, so Tubbo hadn’t really been expecting that. Not, not *that*, maybe something that was bad, but not this bad. Dream hadn’t been lying when he called Ranboo a traitor. He had betrayed them, but Tubbo didn’t blame him for that.
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, THIS IS /P IF I SEE YOU BEING WEIRD I WILL BE INCREDIBLY MAD
Comments: 3
Kudos: 110





	I’ve been (going through the motions)

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy everyone welcome to angst thumbs up emoji
> 
> Please leave kudos n comments because I crave validation from Ao3

The morning sun was bright and glaring through the window in Tubbo’s little cottage in Snowchester. Ranboo had stayed there the night having lost track of time while playing with Michael and wanting more than anything to avoid weird looks and possible questions that Phil or Techno might have if he came back too late. 

He hadn’t slept, couldn’t bring himself to do it in case something bad happened again. He wasn’t even sure if sleeping was what triggered his enderwalk, but it seemed the most likely thing next to stress and he was almost always stressed. 

Most of the night was spent on the couch, journal in his lap and a pen in his hand as he tried to remember the days events. Every time he felt sleep tugging at him he got up and walked around the main floor of the cottage, trying not to make too much noise so he didn’t wake anyone up. 

At around 9 he figured he should get up and do something, maybe go to the mines to collect more resources or tend to the potato farm, but something kept him rooted to his spot on the couch and he pulled his knees up to his chest, drawing his tail around him so he took up as little space as possible. His head yelled at him to sleep but he just.... couldn’t. The note Dream had given him still plastered freshly into his mind whenever he closed his eyes. That smile. That damned smile. He saw it whenever he closed his eyes, it was constantly shoving its way into everything he did, a constant, incessant reminder of the things he’s done, the things he still feels guilty about. And he hates it. Hates how easily he’s swayed, how easy he is to control. Hates that he can’t say no to people even when he’s uncomfortable, hates that, from what Dream’s told him, he willingly does the things asked of him in enderwalk. Hates his mind for forgetting large portions of the day because he doesn’t know if he did something during the blank period that will hurt the people around him and the people he loves. Hates that he’s fairly fucking sure he’s working to help Dream escape the prison. 

Footsteps behind him snap him out of his little trance and, for a moment, he forgets where he is, but when he sees it’s just Tubbo, he relaxes again, and he wants to cry because he was so sure that it was going to be Dream standing behind him and ready to thank him for breaking him out, but it was just Tubbo. 

Clearly, the shorter notices this wave of relief that came over him because he smiles slightly and laughs a little when he says “sorry, did I scare you?”

“Yeah, you uh- didn’t hear you come downstairs,” he let himself chuckle, nerves taking him again as he returned his gaze out the window so he wouldn’t have to see the worried look that plastered his face. 

“You doin ok?”

“I’m just tired,” he managed to say, the exhaustion he felt helping his case if only slightly, but he knew the other could see right through him. That was something that he was both grateful for and hated about Tubbo, his insight and ability to read people. Sure, he wasn’t always correct, no one can be correct all the time, but he was still right an uncomfortably large amount of the time. 

“Yeah, I don’t buy that for a second, big man,” he said, eyebrow raised, as he collapsed onto the couch next to Ranboo who still sat with his knees pulled up to his chest and gaze out the window, deliberately avoiding Tubbo’s gaze. 

Curled in on himself like this, he looked so impossibly small. It was as if he shrunk to half his size. Tubbo hated when he did this, he knew why he did, of course, but he still hated it. His tail was wrapped in close so he didn’t take up more space than necessary, ears were laid back and drooping slightly, telling the shorter of the two all he needed to know about what the enderman wouldn’t tell him. 

Ranboo had a habit of closing himself off from others, not telling the full truth or outright lying about it, claiming he was just tired like he did now. But his ears were a big tell, they always were. They liked to droop whenever he was having a bad go of it, or stick straight up when startled. He could control it somewhat, and he mostly did so when in the presence of others, which was why they only fell slightly at the moment rather than all the way down. 

“What cha thinkin about?” Tubbo ventured to ask, only half expecting an answer that made sense, and when Ranboo just shrugged and stayed silent, his expectation was fulfilled. It was frustrating, sometimes, when he wanted to help but was given no opportunity to do so. He respected Ranboo’s want to keep things to himself, but surely he had to realize that he didn’t have to do everything on his own. “C’mon, dude,” he continued, poking his friend in the shoulder to try and pull him out of his stupor, “don’t shut me out.”

Ranboo finally met his gaze, seeming to snap out of his trance somewhat. The bags under his eyes were large and he really did look tired, but Tubbo couldn’t tell if it was physical exhaustion or mental exhaustion. He guessed it was probably both though. The worry that laced Tubbo’s face made guilt flood into Ranboo’s stomach. He didn’t like making his friends worry, which was the whole reason he still hasn’t said anything about his worries, but from the way Tubbo’s eyebrows were knit together and the nervous flick of his ear, it seemed not telling him was just a disservice.

“Couldn’t sleep last night,” he started, trying the easiest way to bridge the conversation he didn’t want to have. It wasn’t a lie either, he couldn’t sleep, not because he wasn’t tired, but because he wouldn’t let himself. Couldn’t let himself. He still hadn’t told Tubbo about the enderwalk, only briefly mentioned it to Phil and Techno, but they both seemed to dismiss him entirely, intentional or not. 

He didn’t want to have that conversation again, but especially not with Tubbo, because the things he had done would hurt him so much more than they did the Arctic Empire. He didn’t want to hurt anyone else, didn’t know what he’d do with himself if he did. But when Tubbo said nothing, he sighed and kept talking. 

“Do you remember, before Doomsday? When Dream called me a traitor?” He paused, taking a breath as Tubbo nodded slightly, “he wasn’t lying. He’s- he’s in my head, controlling what I do and I- Tubbo I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore! I don’t want to hurt *you*. But I- I don’t-“ he broke off, attempting to stifle a sob because he wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to cry, he couldn’t. So he stopped talking. He wouldn’t allow himself that luxury. Tubbo just looked at him quizzically.

“What’re you on about, big man?” He asked, a note of humor in his voice that bordered on disbelief. Ranboo didn’t blame him for not taking to his story right away, he knew how hard to believe it sounded. 

“He can- he can control me,” he tried to elaborate, “when I go into that sort of sleepwalking state, when I’m just wandering around aimlessly, carrying random blocks, when I don’t respond or respond only in Ender, that’s when he does it. That’s when I’m easy enough to control. That’s when he gets me to- to do things.” He knew he was going to have to elaborate, knew he was going to have to explain exactly what he’d helped Dream do. When he was silent for a moment and Tubbo only continued to stare at him, he said, in a voice so low it was barely even a whisper, “I blew up the community house. I set up the tnt canons to destroy L’Manburg. I did that.”

The silence that followed was palpable. Ranboo didn’t meet Tubbo’s gaze as the goat hybrid blinked blankly back at him. Ok, so Tubbo hadn’t really been expecting that. Not, not *that*, maybe something that was bad, but not this bad. Dream hadn’t been lying when he called Ranboo a traitor. He had betrayed them, but Tubbo didn’t blame him for that. He said that Dream was controlling him, forcing his unresponsive state to do these terrible acts, and that wasn’t his fault. But Tubbo still felt a pang of hurt run through him. 

He didn’t distrust Ranboo. No, in fact Ranboo was one of the people he trusted more than anyone, but if Dream was able to get in his head and coerce information out of him... then that would mean that he couldn’t tell Ranboo anything that Dream could use against him, but, the thing was, the already had, and that was the reason he decided that he would keep telling Ranboo everything. He wouldn’t keep things from Ranboo because that wouldn’t be fair to him. It’s not like he wanted to give Dream information, and judging by the way his ears were pressed flat against his head and he kept furiously rubbing at his eyes with his sweater sleeve, he was expecting Tubbo to do the opposite. 

“Oh...” Tubbo said as the silence fell heavy, “well,” he didn’t know what to say. “That’s. That’s alright, s’not your fault,” 

“What?” His eyes snapped to Tubbo’s then and the look of disbelief in them that clouded that small boy of hope was heartbreaking. “You’re not? You’re not going to send me away?”

“What? No! Of course not!” Tubbo found himself laughing at how absurd that comment sounded to him. Throw Ranboo out? He could never. “I’m not blaming you! You clearly didn’t want to do those things, so it’s not your fault. It’s Dreams. It’s always Dreams.” 

“Ohthankgod-“ Ranboo sighed and then practically collapsed onto his friend, the tension leaving his body and relief taking its place. Tubbo snorted and wrapped his arms around his friend, patting his back for good measure. If Ranboo was finally letting himself cry, Tubbo didn’t comment on it. 

He wasn’t being cast to the wind. Tubbo didn’t hate him. He was allowed to stay. He was allowed to stay...


End file.
